Is this real life?

08Sep09

So, two really funny (and true, I swear) stories from my life adventures. I’m sure I’ll have a catchy title and some memoirs someday.

Two weeks ago, I got a little reunion with two of my best friends from high school. K moved away a few years ago but she was back for M’s birthday. We went out to dinner, I was of course thrilled to see her there, and then we stayed at the place (it was also a bar) for the rest of the night. The boys/husbands decided it would be a grand idea to buy us bottom of the barrel vodka shots (sick), and thus began the rest of the shot-taking. It was K’s turn to buy shots and I noticed her talking to a guy at the bar (not surprising, she’s stupid pretty) and the next thing I know she’s walking over to me with an unexplainable smirk on her face. The following was our exchange:

K: “So that guy I was talking to at the bar said that you were very distracting …”

B: “What?!”

K: “Yeah, he said ‘You’re friend, the one with short blonde hair in the orange top is SO distracting’.”

B: Blushing. Because that’s what I do best.

Rest of the girls: Yelling stuff about me wanting dick and other non-truths.

Then the staring begins. I still can’t really tell if the guy is cute or what. But then he walks closer to us and it’s over. Cargo shorts and tube socks, keep it. Then I realized he is much older than me (not grandpa-old, but close enough to completely scare me). Then, it’s my turn to buy shots. (Shit.) I start to walk over there with another girl from the group, and she walks RIGHT up to him and says something along the lines of “I saw you checking out my friend.” He then tells her that I am the hottest girl he’s ever seen.

OK, now I know this guy is crazy. I’m not one of those girl who is constantly telling people how ugly and fat I am. I’m pretty aware of how I look, and last time I checked I wasn’t breaking any mirrors, so I’m ok. But, the hottest girl in the world title goes to girls the likes of supermodels, not me. Duh. If I’m the hottest girl he’s ever seen, he needs to branch out. Seriously.

Then she calls me over. Fuck. So I brace myself, take a deep breath and walk over with my most convincing smile. She says “This is Chris, Chris, this is Brittney.” And literally, like 15 seconds pass before this guy even changes his expression or speaks. (Like, hello, drunkie. I’m here.) He then gets WAY too excited and practically yells, “Ooooh, HIIIIII BRITTNEY!!!!! Wow, it’s SO nice to meet you.” (I don’t know what to do at this point, I think I giggled. Yeah, FML.) Then he just stares. Doesn’t ask me any introductory questions, just stares and smiles the most creepy smile I’ve ever scene in all my life. So I order my drinks and he says “I have been waiting to meet you.” (Um, what? We’ve been in the same bar approximately 30 minutes.) So, I say “Oh, really. Well I’m sure you’ll forget me soon.” (Did that really just come out of my mouth. Get a grip, idiot.) To which he responds, “Oh, no way. I’ll never forget you, Brittney,” with that fucking smile on his face the whole time.

Ok, guys, take a memo. I know, you meet thousands of totally hot babes every day (dream on) and it can be hard to remember names. I’m sure you all have your tricks to distinguishing one hottie from the next. But, repeating my name over and over is creepy. Staring at me and not talking. Creepy. Practically drooling because I’m speaking to you. Creepy and disgusting.

So I say something like see ya and walk away with my drinks. (Literally every time he got up I prayed that he was leaving the bar, but they were just potty breaks. Damn.) I can see him stretching out and craning his neck to look at me. Ok, now I’m like what is this guy’s deal. I am doing NOTHING attractive right now. I’m taking shots and stuffing my face with cookie cake. The girls are covered and my legs are closed. (What the shit are you looking at!?)

Near the end of the evening, Chris makes his way over to me. Bad idea. The entire party is laughing while I’m trying to keep a straight face to this poor guy (not my strong suit) and then I notice M’s husband is taking pictures of our exchange.

C: “So, are you staying here much longer?”

B: “Yeah, it’s her birthday so we’re out until whenever.”

C: “Seriously, you are the most attractive girl in this bar. By far.”

B: Looking around at all the other attractive girls … “Ha, well, I hope so.”

C: “So, can I call you sometime.”

Now this is where I go completely retarded. I do not have a clue as to how to let this man down gently. So I say “SURE!” (Way too much excitement in my voice. What. The. Fuck.)

He whips out his phone and I dictate my number to him. At this point I’m thinking of giving him my mom’s cell number that she doesn’t use. But then I realize I’m holding my iPhone this entire time and he will probably call it right now to check if I gave him a fake number. Sure enough. Oh, well. Now I can screen the shit out of his calls.

Then, another friend, J, says: “So Chris, how old are you?” and he says, “Probably too old to date a beautiful girl like B.” And I rudely say, “So what is the number equivalent to that?” “39.” I’m done. No. Bye. See ya. My youngest uncle is 43. Even if I wanted this to happen, my life would be a shit storm the moment I mentioned him to dear old dad.

So he says bye to me, tells me that he will “use my number” and leaves.

About 15 minutes pass. I feel my phone vibrate the table. “Text message: Creepy Chris” it says. (Yes, that’s what I saved his name. Clever, I know.) Shit.

You are so distracting!!!!! I’m so lucky to stare at you for as long as I did!!!!! You are by far the sexiest girl I’ve ever seen!!!!! You’ve got the look!!!!!

I’m. Not. Kidding. I never responded, and no I don’t plan to. Something about the word distracting sent chills down my spine.

The next story is not quite so riveting. Basically, I’m at a football party, about 4 hot guys to 2 single girls and the one who wants me turns out to be married, but doesn’t care. Really?

I wish it wasn’t true, but more to come soon, I’m sure.

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